


"I Love"

by thedrunkenwerewolf



Series: Heirverse: Phase 2 (Can We Survive This?) [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Flower Language, Forgiveness, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love, M/M, Marriage, Married Life, Multiple Personalities, References to Depression, Romance, chessboards, don't let the tags fool you this isn't an abuse story, emotional gunshots, hellish voice/monster, story cross references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 14:59:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14475180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedrunkenwerewolf/pseuds/thedrunkenwerewolf
Summary: AiGin. Heirverse. Mirror piece to 'Lie'. Gin wants Sousuke to understand just how much he needs, wants and loves him - regardless of his depression and Hellish voice. Angst, love, and emotional gunshots. Story crossreferences everywhere. Notes inside.





	"I Love"

**Author's Note:**

> [God this one was just a huge battle against my own hellish voice saying it was terrible and not good enough for the absolute longest but 12 versions later and after SO MUCH EDITING it's here- and i feel good enough about it to post so let's do this]
> 
> Before we begin:  
> please note that a) this is meant to be read alongside my other oneshot, Lie. I'd advise reading that one first before proceeding if you haven't already for more understanding/context on this piece.
> 
> And b) while this is ultimately a love story, this piece covers some darker/mature themes, namely attempted assault and depression. If you do proceed, Please proceed with some caution, and an open mind.
> 
> Business: Only things I own here are the Heirverse, Cherry, the flower dictionary, not-Sousuke/hellish voice/monster. Mad, crazy love to my packmates Time for help with the ending, Sesh for the grammarhounding and helping me with my tenses *fusses grammarhound*, and Lull whose poetry pretty much got me through this thing. Keep on being amazing, girls.
> 
> A/n: Totally pale-homaging CircusP here with these two stories... as well as GL. And various others probably. Though this one was more emotionally draining than Lie. Also first time writing Gin's pov, which is a nice change as Aizen usually demands a lot of my headspace.
> 
> Notes: Love with a touch of melancholy. Partially concurrent with Lie and cwst. Gin's pov written as if he is addressing Aizen. Somewhat sappyshippy but gunshots probably negate it. Touches on the subject of depression and attempted assault (that Sousuke stops, thankfully). Flower language. Gin being strong, loving, understanding, forgiving. Set 7-10 years after Lie (approx) – but before CF/Sanc. So much Heirverse tangle. Game/Heir/cwst echoes. Sly Unlove references. Moderate 'Fox's Wedding' echoes, which'll be another addition to the series because I don't have the patience for waiting for years to put those scenes in Game itself. Written to JubyPhonic's Hinekure Neji To Ame english cover. And some songs by Circus.
> 
> Okay I think this is me. Enjoy. And when you're done reading this, please go and read the works of my packmates SesshomaruFreak, Ganymede Lullaby, and Timewaster123456789. Lovely ladies and talented writers, all of them – and dreams to write alongside in my Heirverse that I do not deserve but love anyway. Also go throw love at my illustrator MoonShield [ http://moon--shield.deviantart.com ] because her art is gorgeous.

_I don't have the words to tell you how I feel  
I just know you're right for me._

\- Ganymede Lullaby [Happiness]

...

 _You will see_  
It will finally  
Be just you and me  
Till the end of the world

\- Circus-P [I (Love)]

**"I Love"**

The sun hits my eyelids and I groan. "No..." I murmur, still half asleep, unwilling to face the day just yet, "Dun' wanna ge'up. S'too eartly..."

But really I just don't want to go into work today. The lieutenants exams are tomorrow, and I just want to hide here in your arms, in your bed. I don't want to face today. Besides, that Hinamori girl gets on my nerves, the way she stares at you. Makes me wanna climb ya like a fuckin' tree and scream at her to piss off.

"Don' wanna."

I bury my face under the duvet, bury further into your chest, hide myself in your arms. You laugh gently, and the sound vibrates through my body.

"You have to get up, love."

I pout. I'd argue, throw sass your way for laughing, but I'm too tired, and I succumb to sleep again. You murmur something, but I'm too tired to listen. I just fall back to sleep again in your arms with the feel of your fingers stroking my hair lovingly.

And then it doesn't matter that I'm nervous about the exams, that I'm grouchy, that the stupid girl with a huge crush on you exists – because all is right with the world when I'm in the safety of your arms.

. . .

When I wake again, it's a less pleasant experience. Your alarm beeps - loudly – and I'm jolted into wakefulness to find I'm alone in our bed, with your alarm beeping away, incessantly. Loudly. Did I mention it was loud? Because it is.

I scowl. I hate it when you do this. Crank your alarm to the highest setting and leave me to hunt for it. Making me leave the warmth and comfort of our bed to turn it off. You hid it in the wardrobe today. Needless to say I'm not happy you cut my sleep short. I'm just about to shout at you, but the smell of cooking bacon, distracting, summons me down the stairs to the kitchen, yawning and stretching the kinks from my muscles. You get off this time, Sousuke. If only because you made bacon.

. . .

I yawn as I walk into the kitcen and sit opposite you. As always you have a mug of tea waiting for me Like every day. I have to smile, it's the little things, like this, that betray you. That show you care. Loathe though you are to admit it aloud to anyone who isn't me.

"Good morning." you smile. I always wonder how you're so functional in the mornings.

I frown again. How on earth can you be fresh as a fuckin daisy this early? "Sleep well?"

I just groan. I am not a morning person. At all.

"Did til someone's alarm went off. Found it in the wardrobe."

You smirk. God I hate and love that smirk. "Well you do need to get up for work you know."

I frown and drink the tea. Exuding displeasure. You smile at and you try to fight an answering grin. You know ya piss me off sometimes, right? Like now.

I love ya, but still. Ya piss me off sometimes.

My scowl is my answer. Again you laugh. And again I cant stay mad when ya laugh. You win too many arguments with that laugh. I know it should annoy me, but... I love it when you laugh. Warmth just radiates off you, the light reaches your eyes, and for a few shining moments the light actually reaches your eyes and you just seem happy. I could listen to you laugh all day.

A smile passes my lips, soft, tender. And I want to stay in this moment forever.

You set my breakfast before me. Bacon, baked beans, and fried eggs. My favourite. One of the first things you cooked for me. I dig into it, and listen to you explain you need to go in early for a meeting.

I nod, knowing a captain has certain responsibilities. But still you kiss me on the cheek, before you go.

"I love you." you tell me. "Dont be too late in."

I grin. "I won't." I promise. Though we both know I will. But I know you wont say anything about it.

. . .

I smile to myself as you leave our house. Yes, I see how cryptically you hide it. I see the way you mask your affection. The way you pretend it's all a game. All an elaborate lie... but I know better. I know you don't think I see it, but I know. It's in the way you look at me, the way you smile at me, the way you touch me. And how you touch me... Oh gods how you touch me... how you smile at me when you think I aint watchin'.

But I see it. I know, I watch, I see.

. . .

When I finally make my way to work, several hours later, I'm humming a happy tune as I walk down the street. I don't even catch myself doing it. Because for once I'm happy, and unafraid it'll be taken away.

Because I have everything I've ever wanted. A lovely home, a job I enjoy.

And you.

And I have to stop and smile, because this is perfect. We are perfect. I love you.

I spy a florist on my way to the office and buy myself some roses – making very sure to get the red ones for love and not the yellow ones for jealousy and infidelity – and some madwort. I pay for my purchases and take them to you. You're away when I get in, but I know where you keep the vases. So I just leave them there for you, sitting in water.

A silent message in our language saying 'I am happy, and very much in love with you.'

I know its a small gesture, but your smile when you see them in the vase on your desk waiting for you makes it worth it. You get so excited about the little things.

Not that I can argue. It's the little things that make up life.

. . .

Later, I watch you work. I know I'm supposed to be bent to my task you assigned me, but I can't help it. You really are enchanting, you know? I guess ya do. But you do make me wonder with the way you get so damn excited when I say nice things to ya. Like how I love your fingers, your hands, how good you look in blue... ya'd think no-one ever complimented ya before.

Maybe they haven't.

Or maybe they did but nobody meant them before me.

Who knows.

I only care that I can make ya smile like that. All giddy an' happy like.

It makes me smile. I want you to smile like that all the time.

My gaze flits up to you again, and I catch you watching me with those gorgeous eyes of yours.

"Yer starin' a' me." I say. Pretending annoyance. Pretending I'm not at all turned on by your eyes on me.

"You should be working." you counter. But I only smirk in answer.

"So should you." my grin widens. "But I can think of better uses of our time."

I stand and saunter over to you. And settle myself on your lap. My hands in your thick brown hair, looking right into your lovely eyes. You open your mouth to protest, to fight me, to tell me 'no, we shouldn't not here' – but I kiss you deeply and the words die in your throat. My hands find your neck, your hair, and when I tell you to make love to me, you obey. Lifting me up and laying me on your desk on my back, you pulling at my clothes, me pulling off yours, all hands, mouth, and tongue and passionate kisses. And then I'm on my back on your desk, with you inside me murmuring my name while I cry out yours.

. . .

That night, after dinner, I slip into bed beside you, and its like coming home again. I lay my head on your chest and listen to your steady heartbeat. And with my arms around you, I feel like I'm home. I sigh, perfectly content. If I have to die someday, I want to die in your arms, happy like this.

Because this is perfect. We are perfect.

"I love you." I sigh softly.

And then you look at me, and roll on top of me and kiss me, long and slow and deep, pinning me down with your body - and electricity sparks through my veins as you touch me. Your hands on my skin as you undress me, and your lips on my neck, biting and sucking, setting a fire inside me. Me gasping softly as I feel you sliding your lube covered fingers inside me.

And suddenly it is our wedding night again, and I gasp, moan, whimper, because I need you.

I need you _now_. And then you hit that spot inside me, and send me to a land of pure ecstasy, and I can't wait anymore.

"There," I moan, and then I'm reduced to a whimpering, begging mess beneath you. "Please, please Sou... I need... I need..."

And then you smile, and somewhere inside my mind it registers that you like it when I beg you. When I plead for release. "Wan' you inside me." I plead.

And when you give me your next kiss, deep and impassioned, I moan into it, feeling my skin tingle as your palms gently spread my legs.

"Hurry," I breathe. And again, you obey me. Your palms gently spreading my legs that I open for you. and plunging into me with a grunt, over and over, sending waves of pleasure crashing through me, and I moan, gasp, call your name, "Sousuke, Sousuke, Sousuke...".

I claw at you to pull you closer, which is never close enough. And there's nothing but pleasure in my world, and nothing exists except you.

. . .

When you finally pull out of me and settle beside me, I'm still laying on my back, breathless and sated. And I say the words again in a sigh as I curl up to you.

"I love you."

And this time you echo them back to me. Just like on the night we married.

I still remember that night. That day, even.

_It was sometime in spring of that year that you surprised me. March 14th. I was waiting for you after work, ready to walk home together, as you stayed back late that day. You looked concerned, until I smiled at you, called your name, "Sousuke!"_

_And then you smiled like you'd been away from me forever. But you being you, you checked yourself and your smile became a grin as you threw your suggestion at me._

_"Dress nice today, Gin." you said. "I'm taking you somewhere formal."_

_"Where?"_

_"In the human world."_

_"But I don't have any clothes that'll fit in..." I protested. Because I really didn't. And I didn't have time to go shopping either, if we were going tonight. But you'd already thought of that._

_"Check the bag on my desk." you grinned, "They should fit."_

_I eyed you suspiciously as you beamed at me, but I did as instructed, took the bag, and dressed in the clothes you gave me in your private quarters at the office._

_When I was done. I looked in the full length mirror at myself, and I had to admit, you have excellent taste. I wore a tailored grey suit with a light blue shirt. Smart yet casual. I barely recognised myself. I was just thinking that I didn't look half bad, when I heard your smooth voice behind me._

_"Are you ready to go?"_

_I turned to see you, elegance in motion in your black suit and white shirt, tailored to fit, of course, and my breath stopped because_ fuck, you're beautiful.

_"Yes," I managed to breathe out, and then you took my hand and showed me the best night of my life._

_. . ._

_We left the theatre and had dinner, me full of excited talk about the show, you smiling and indulgent. I'd probably had a bit too much wine, because on our walk back to the senkaimon, I'd been laughing a lot. Because of the warm night air, because of you, because I was happy... actually, I was happier than I'd been in a long time. Walking with you under the moon and stars, hands linked and gently swinging between us as we kept apace with each other. Talking about nothing._

_I don't know what sparked the idea. I still don't to this day. Maybe it was the wine. Probably the wine. But I recalled walking past a little church, and made bold by drink, I pulled your hand and beamed a smile at you._

_"Sousuke, let's get married!"_

_You opened your mouth, but no words came out. I think you were trying to work out what to say to me. Whether to reject me or not. Because, come on. Aizen Sousuke, notorious playboy, chessplayer extraordinaire, settling down and getting married? Don't be ridiculous, Gin. But when you said "Yes, let's get married then." I could have burst with joy._

_"C'mon then!" he called to you, lugging and tugging you by the hand in the direction of that little church I'd spied earlier. "C'mon!"_

_You just laughed softly. "What? Now?"_

_"Yes, now!" I chimed, "C'mon!"_

_And I pulled you, laughing and giddy, full of excitement, all the way to the church. It was very late, almost midnight, but I was sure if we paid them enough the pastor would marry us._

_. . ._

_We stopped running when we entered the place. My breaths were heavy but I'd never felt so alive. We woke the sleeping pastor and made the arrangements. Paid more than the suggested donation._

_I didn't once let go of your hand. Even as we made the short walk to the altar. But when we stood there, with it actually happening instead of being just a wild phantasmal dream, my excitement, my joy... it all left me._

_I wanted to be worthy of you. Wanted it for so long. I know I was only half joking when I suggested we marry, but, you ran along with it. You seemed happy- the warmth reached your eyes and I knew you were happy. So fuelled by adrenaline and wine I dragged you to that church. But when I was actually there, I felt..._

_I swallowed. I was suddenly afraid. Was I enough for you? Strong enough to stand at your side?_

_What if this was a mistake? What if a lot of things. No, I wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough, beautiful enough, worthy enough, just a low street rat from the gutter... not good enough for you, everybody said so. Everybody with their vile jealousies who wanted you to be the false you, the player just so they could bed you to boost their status. I ran a hand through my hair in my nervousness, a thing I must have picked up from you. No, this was a bad idea. A stupid idea. Who am I to stand beside you? Who was I to look at you and want you in my life when we all know they're better for you?_

_I wanted to tell you this, that I'd changed my mind, but all I managed to whisper out was "I look a mess."_

_But your hand just squeezed mine and you leant close to my ear. "Shut up. You look perfect." And instantly my inner storm ceased. And I recalled another time you said that to me._

_"You're perfect the way you are."_

_And suddenly I felt like Bridget Jones with her Mr Darcy in my favourite film when he told her,_ _'I like you... Just as you are.'_

_I squeezed your hand back. And when you asked me if I was ready, my answer was yes. And when you said those words to me, acknowledging me as yours, as your equal by your side, I'd never felt so loved._

_And you promised to love me, to cherish me, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, til death did we part._

_If I'd died then, I'd have died a happy man. Because what more did I need? What more could I possibly want, after this, when you'd already given me everything?_

_And when your eyes met mine, I saw all the love within them, and made note of the smile you wore being exactly like the ones you give me when you think I'm not looking. I give you a soft, loving smile and answer, "I love you."_

_. . ._

_I was impatient that night. Impatient to have you again. Too impatient to even wait until we took our shoes off. The moment our hotel room door clicked shut, I pounced. I grabbed you and shoved you with unnecessary roughness against the wall and kissed you. I kissed you like a man dying of thirst having found his desert oasis. You moaned into me, and I felt your hands run up my waist, guiding us to the bed, eagerly returning my kiss. Your skilled hands undressing me as they had a thousand times before. Taking your shoes off slowly._

_You were much more patient than I._

_I just kicked my shoes off, yanked your trousers off and ripped your shirt open, sending the buttons scattering to the floor. Your favourite shirt... but in that heated, passionate moment, I didn't care. All I cared about was that I could run my hands over your naked chest, over your skin, your body..._

_Because you couldn't have known how much I'd dreamed of this. How often I'd fantasised. You. Me. Married._

_I opened my eyes for a moment and caught sight of the fleur de lis on the table beside the bed. A flower that in our language means: 'I burn'._

_You'd already taken the liberty of pairing it with jonquil in an earlier offering to you. Jonquil for desire._

_Together: 'I burn with desire for you.'_

_Appropriate. Given how I was feeling at the time._

  


In your arms, I settle into your embrace, closing my eyes and losing myself in the memory. And it's like I'm there again.

_I let you push me down onto the bed, pinning me with your body and shoving your tongue into my waiting mouth. I moan into your mouth and enjoy the way you taste. And I completely melt for you. I whimper softly, my fingers tangled in your hair, until I decide that no, it'll be me in charge tonight. And I quickly roll over and push you down onto your back, sitting astride you._

_I grin down at you, pleased with myself for having put such a strong, powerful man be in such a submissive position. I savour it, but not for long, as I want to taste you again._

_I claim your lips again, my tongue dominating yours, and I feel so in control, so powerful, and I realise this is how it must feel for you when I'm in your position. At your mercy. My kiss turns passionate, hungrier, and you spark yet more electricity through me by letting your hands roam down my back and squeeze my ass. And I can't help but melt for you again, and moan softly as your hardness pressed into my thigh._

_You quietly disengage from me, and suck on your fingers before tracing a gentle line down my spine with them, and my breath catches again as you slowly push in one finger, then two, then three... moving slowly, gently, until you find that place inside me that sends me into ecstasy-land._

_"Ah, there..."_

_You smile and remove your fingers and I move, hands pushing you down again. And feeling your eyes on me, your attention wholly devoted to me as if I'm the only person in your world, I breathe in, close my eyes, and impale myself upon you with a groan._

_I watch as your head lolls back and I moan with you at the intense pleasure. You feel so good and so right I can't help but moan. But I keep my eyes on your face, drinking you in. You look up at me, still for a moment, taking me in. And then your breath hitches._

_"Fuck, you're beautiful," you whisper. And I have to smirk._

_Because I could say the same about you._

_But I refocused. And began rolling my hips, slowly at first, until I slowly built up a demanding pace. Your hands found my hips, and then moving as one, we consummated our union. You moaning softly. Me panting, gasping, moaning, calling your name over and over. Letting my hands roam over your chest, your bare skin, setting fires wherever I touched. A thought came to me that you were like a drug. That just one hit of you wouldn't be enough and I'd always want more. I was drunk on you. On wine and love and_ **_you_ ** _._

_And then I fucked you into the mattress, the pressure inside me snapping after you emptied into me with a call of my name, "Gin," and I climaxed with a cry of your name._

. . .

I let out a soft sigh at the memory as it fades away. And I remember too, that after we were both empty and sated, I curled myself around you to sleep.

That I told you "I love you", again.

And that you echoed the sentiment.

"I love you, too."

And I remember knowing that if I had to die someday, I'd wanted to die tangled in your arms. Feeling the same way even now as I drift off to sleep in your arms.

. . .

I wake the next morning still in your arms. My mind fresh with the memory of the night we married. I know it was some time ago, now, but I hope we can keep that passion we have for each other alive. I look to find you've been watching me sleep, and kiss me good morning. Suggesting we go for a walk today, since it's nice out. "We can take Cherry with us." you say, smiling. Glancing down at my sleeping fox who snuck onto the bed and curled up by our feet in the night. I have to smile at her. At you.

And I have to correct my earlier thoughts because no, this is the moment I want to stay in forever.

"Yeah," I say, "That'll be nice."

. . .

Some months pass after that, and I know things have changed between us. I don't know what happened, but... after that, you changed. I don't know if it was something I said, something I did... I wish you'd talk to me.

It's the middle of autumn. One of your favourite seasons. For the colours, you said once. All the browns, yellows, and oranges. Green could be so dull, you said. But you just seem despondent this year. I know you try to smile for me, but it's not the same. But I do my best to pull you out of the dark place your mind has taken up residence in. I'm reading, but the book can wait. You're more important.

"Sousuke?" I say gently, and you look up from your book.

"Hm?"

"Wanna go see the fireworks?"

I watch a small smile bloom on your face, and see you light up at the suggestion.

"Sure. Why not?"

I shoot at grin at you, and set my book down and commence dragging you by the hand to the door. Pulling you out of your armchair.

"C'mon then! S'gonna start soon!"

You laugh, then. At me. At my antics. My playfulness. Which is good, because I want you to be happy today.

. . .

As we walked home, I babbled to you about the pretty fireworks. You smiled and nodded, and I knew then you spent most of the time looking at me. I sigh happily and you squeeze my hand, making a comment about how the leaves would fall soon.

I glance at the golden leaves on the trees and I remember that on one autumn night, much like this one, I told you I loved you the first time. When I felt like that beautifully dark, star filled night were ours alone, made only for the two of us. I remember thinking, as you laughed at something I said, that this is what I fell for. The real you. These moments in time you let me see you – _really_ see you – before you built your walls back up again. I looked at you in that moment and I thought 'yes, this is the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.' and the words just fell out of me.

 

_"Aizen-sama."_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I love you."_

_I caught a quick glimpse of your huge grin before you crushed me into your arms, against your body. I was overwhelmed. By your reaction, your emotion, by you. But I was safe, I was in your arms, and wasn't that what I'd always wanted?_

_I felt you take in a deep, trembling breath to steady yourself._

_"_ _Finally_ _." You breathed. You didn't echo the words back to me then, but I knew how you felt. So I just buried myself in your chest and breathed you in._

_And when you made love to me that night, you made me feel so wanted. Understandably, I was nervous. Still shy about physical intimacy. But you were soft, and slow, and gentle, and it really felt like I was your whole world._

_I spent that night tangled in your arms. And when I was sore and achy the next day, you looked after me instead of showing me the door like all your other lovers._

  


I smile at the memory. I know not many from the Rukongai can say this about their partner, given the nature of some of the abuse that goes on in such a place. But you were my first.

I have to shake that memory away so I can focus on you again.

"Hey, Sousuke." I say, and you smile at me again. "Will we always be together?"

The smile reached your eyes and you filled up with warmth and light. And for a moment you were brighter than the sun. You were my Helios, my sun, my stars.

  


"Yes. We'll always be so perfectly happy, just like this." You promised.

I smiled back at you, squeezing your hand. "Then let's be together always."

And when you looked at me then, the light suffused you again, reaching your eyes, and I knew we would be.

. . .

When the new year came, you point out a shooting star. Saying something about humans believing if you wished on one of these 'falling stars' it would come true. So on a whim, I close my eyes, clasp my hands together, and make a wish with you.

"So, what did you wish for?" you pry when we are done, your smile teasing.

 _I wished for Aizen-sama to be happy._ I want to say. _I wished for us to be together forever._

I know it's childish, but I really don't care. I want us to be together until the world ends.

I wish to always be by your side.

I know they all whisper about me. About us. Saying that we won't last and you'll get bored of me soon. Part of me fears they're right, but the larger part of me – the part that made the wish on the falling star – just wants them to be wrong, so I can stay with you always.

But I can't tell you any of that. So I just pout and fold my arms. "Psh, if I tell ya it aint gonna come true." I say.

You just laugh and tell me I have a good point. And I can't help but wonder if you knew I wanted nothing more but stay by your side.

. . .

More months pass. But they feel like years.

You've been colder lately. More distant. Wrestling with some issue you wont lemme in on.

My Sun covered in clouds. And I hate myself because I don't have the eloquence to brush them away. And there's a storm coming.

But ever the ceraunophile - lover of thunderstorms and lightning – I'll sit and watch for it. And when the storm comes, I'll be ready.

And I'll be the one that'll keep you safe from it.

. . .

I still wait for you so we can walk home together after work. One such day, we open the door and see the rain pouring. Thick and heavy.

"Oh, it's raining," I smile. I always did like the rain, and just find it comforting in general. But you just shudder at it, and I have a fleeting thought the rain on your skin reminds you too much of the rain in your heart.

You frown and call me "pluviophile" as if its a curse. But it's me who produces the umbrella and shields you from the cold falling water.

. . .

More time passes. And you grow colder still. Fighting some invisible war. Pushing me away. I offer to help but... you just turn me down. Shut me out. Lie to me. Though I can see if tears you apart.

I won't let you do this to yourself. Whatever demon you fight, I'll help you. Why won't you listen to me? Why can't you see that?

We're in this together. Why don't you see that?

We're perfect together.

I love you.

. . .

"I love you." I say it every day now.

But, I don't get why you're not listening. Why I am fighting an abandoned war.

I try to show you the way I feel, with words, with actions, with my body. But I guess I'm just a hopeless fool. Because you don't see me. Or you won't see. Dunno which.

I kiss you. I worship your body at night, massage the tension out of your joints. I'd lie with you after we made love and lay kisses down your neck and chest. I do small things for you to show how much I care, like make you tea. I send Cherry to play with you, knowing how much you love her. You smile at her antics, but it doesn't reach your eyes and feels forced. It seems not even she can brighten you up. And she returns to me, dejected because you aren't your usual self, and aren't playing with her the way you used to. I comfort her and lift her into my arms. I press her close to me and bury my face into her white fur. Maybe I can comfort myself too, as I try and work out how to find a way to pull you out of the darkness that's consuming you.

Because I have to find a way. I have to try to melt the ice around your heart.

It feels hard, impossible even. But I won't give up. I won't surrender.

So I leave you red tulips to show my love. Jonquil and madwort to say I desire your happiness. Flowering dogwood, to show my love for you will not be diminished by adversity. But not even my floral offerings make a difference.

I sigh as I receive no answer for my latest offering, withered and dead on your desk. I frown and bin it, feeling dejected. But I replace the flowers anyway.

I know its pointless, I know its worthless.

But, I guess I'm just a hopeless fool. A fool who just wants you to love him.

But it doesn't matter. I love you. And not just tingly-with-first-flushes-of-affection love. I mean bone and guts deep love. Because my blood wants you my brain wants you my guts want you- even my bones want you. My whole being wants you. The beating organ inside my chest wants you.

So I've made up my mind. It'll hurt me, but, I'll be your lover, your partner, your protector, your enforcer, your right hand, a sanctuary from your troubles – whether you want it or not. I'll be here for you should you ever need me.

Because I'd die for you. I'd kill for you. I'd take bullets for you.

I'll be by your side til the day I die.

I love you.

If only you would see it.

. . .

Some time later, you make sly hints that I should spend more time with Kira. Make friends, you tell me. But I can see right through you.

I know ya think I'm better off wit' someone else. I dunno why but I know ya got it in yer thick head that I am. I know ya think I'd be better with someone who aint you. I know that Kira kid looks at me with love in his eye, but I don't want him. I only want you. I know ya think he'd make me happy. But how could I be happy with him when I have you? How can I be happy with him when I only love you? When only you make me happy.

You're my first, my last. My one and only. Why can't you see that?

Are you so goddamn stupid you couldn't see that?

. . .

You asked me once, "Why me, when there's so many better for you who can make you happy?" Still wrestling with your doubts.

I just frowned at the audacity of this question. "But _you_ make me happy. I dun want anyone else."

And for just a moment, you were my Helios again. Your smile was so bright. And I really thought I'd pulled you out of that dark place your mind seemed to reside in lately.

. . .

When I found out about Momo, I was devastated. My heart shattered that day.

I won't lie, Sousuke. For a time, I didn't think we'd survive.

For a time I doubted my love for you.

For a time I wasn't sure if I should stay with you.

For a time I wasn't even sure you loved me.

For a time, loving you was killing me.

But being away from you was agony. And when I learnt how much you were suffering too, I found I couldn't just walk away. So I swallowed my pride, and I forgave.

It took a lot out of me to forgive you. It took me seven years. But I forgave you.

Because I loved you too much to let you go. Still do, in fact. Because... well, I don't have the words for it. I don't have the words to tell you how I feel. I just know I'm right for you, and that you're right for me. And I think, somewhere deeply buried, the first time we met each other, we knew we'd found the one. I know you think so, too. Though I knew you tried to fight it.

. . .

I didn't know why though. It made no sense for the longest time why you fought it so hard. Why you acted like you didn't care, why you wanted me to believe you didn't care. Did you not trust me? Even after Momo, even after we'd regained our emotional and physical intimacy, I wondered this. I can't count the sleepless nights I spent thinking about it.

But then that night happened. It was one of the best of my life. Not because of what happened, that was horrific. I still have nightmares about it. But because of what it led to. Truth... _realness_ , that was all I'd ever really wanted and it was the first time I got it from you. Not just the glimpses I'd been privy to before. But real truth, real honesty. I don't count that night I helped you home. You were drunk, and you didn't remember much of it. So that doesn't count.

But it was that night that I learned that you didn't want to care. Though you obviously cared so much. I was confused. But when you explained things later, I learned why. I understood.

I think that memory will stay with me forever. Though I still shudder at it. Or part of it.

  


_It had been a good day, a spectacular day actually, even though you seemed more aloof than usual, depressed if I didn't know you didn't get that way. Then again maybe you do now that I think about it._

_We returned to your house, your room. Our room, I had to remind myself, it'd been so long. You were yourself again. And I'd missed you. You were happy, I was happy. We kissed, and I remember feeling desire well up inside me at the taste of you. You'd been away for far too long and I'd missed you. I needed you. My mouth wanted you, my hands wanted you, my body wanted you, my blood wanted you, my bones wanted you._

_You broke the kiss and smiled at me, and I was so happy. You called me your moon, the moon of your life, and it caught me by surprise when the words caught. Because you so rarely get sentimental. I realise now that your sentiment wasn't the issue. If I'd known then... if you'd just been honest with me... but then again that isn't the way we are. It isn't who we are. Anyway, I didn't know, so I simply kissed you deeply, told you I loved you, that I loved you so much, and replied that you were my sun and my stars- but you shoved me away as soon as those words left me._

_I was lost, I was confused. One moment you were professing love for me and now..._

_"Sousuke?" I asked, when you fell into silence. Looking like you were at war with yourself again. Fighting some invisible enemy inside your head and losing._

_"Don't say that!" you roared. I froze, taken aback, almost scared for the first time since we'd gotten together._

_"Sou?" I asked again, and I admit my voice shook slightly. Your face contorted, and then you weren't you and I was terrified. All the warmth and light and life was gone from your eyes. At the time I didn't know that it really wasn't you - I was just terrified and confused. And I thought your words were for me._

_"Love?" you laughed, and it was cold as the reaper himself. "Love is pain. Shall I show you?" your gaze was haughty and amused in a sadistic kind of way. I wasn't sure if the words were meant for me, but it didn't matter. Instinctively I tried to escape. Not-you caught me and through me back on the bed. You pinned me down, hot reaitsu choking me, pressing the air out of me. Malice seeping out of you instead of affection. Your hands didn't even feel like yours. They were so rough with me, so harsh, and they were forcibly undressing me and pressing my legs apart and I knew what was coming. I knew what was coming and I was absolutely fucking terrified._

_I screamed your name and fought you, fists bashing against your chest, Screaming "Sousuke!" with all the air in my lungs. My distress must have registered somewhere inside you, because and you froze your face twisted, and you were you again. I wonder now, knowing what I know, at the effort that must have taken. At just how much strength it must have taken to seize control over your own body again, to keep me from harm._

_But in that moment, your eyes were wide in horror. At me. At yourself._

_"Gin?" you gasped._

_"Sou?" I whispered trying not to sob. I know I failed. But I had to know if this was you, and not... this other person._

_"It's me, Gin." you reassured me, "How badly are you hurt?" you asked._

_I sucked in a deep, painful breath to compose myself. "Get off me," I ordered. Obediently, you leapt away and I stood up on shaky legs. I stared at you for a long moment, slowly realising that I wasn't in danger. But even so, it still took me several deep breaths to calm myself._

_"Why?" I asked. It seems absurd now, but for a moment you looked like you wanted to cry. A trick of the moonlight I guess. You never cry. Not in front of me._

_I watched you sigh deeply, and wait for my explanation. You sat on the bed, quiet for a moment, and when you spoke your voice was strong, if uncharacteristically uncertain, "If you will let me..." you began, "there some things you should know."_

_I nodded and suggested we sit down._

_. . ._

_We sat at the table where I laid out the terms of my forgiveness after your affair. It feels like another life, when that happened. I wonder how many heart to hearts this table has seen since coming into our lives. How many moments shared between us, large and small, this table has witnessed._

_I sat opposite you, and waited. Waited for the explanations that would come. That should've come a long time ago. But I knew to be patient because I knew how hard this was for you to tell me. I knew so because you reached for me across the table, wanting my hand in yours. And I obliged, linking my hand with yours. Feeling you squeeze my fingers tight. You took a deep breath in, breathed out, and then you began. I only caught a few sentences as you explained it to me, because the revelation sent my world spinning. But I caught the important parts._

_"There's a monster in my head. I made a pact... a hollow... It hates me. Wants to hurt you... I was just trying to protect you. I wanted to keep you safe. It's why I pushed you away... why I cheated..."_

_"I'm sorry. I never wanted you to find out... not like this. I'm sorry. I should have told you. But now you know."_

_"It's like a hellish voice in my head playing non-stop... vitriolic, hateful..."_

_"The things he says about you..."_

_And suddenly I felt ill. Sick with horror. I wasn't afraid of you. I was horrified at the fact there was a darkness infecting you. You, the one I love most in this world. Suffering this way. It makes my heart hurt, sends pain shooting through me._

_And I understood. I understood everything. Your coldness before. Your distance. Your invisible war. Your cheating._

_I didn't condone it. I in no way approved of you lying to me. Or deceiving me. Or betraying me._

_But I understood. I knew you were just trying to protect me, to keep me safe from what nearly happened earlier – or worse. You said you didn't want to care, but you cared, you loved me and the monster would only use this against you._

_"I didn't want to love you. But I did. I do. And the monster will just exploit this. I never wanted to hurt you, Gin. Never wanted to put you in danger. I'd never forgive myself if I let it hurt you."_

_I swallowed the lump in my throat. To be fair, if our roles were reversed, I'd have done the same thing. Anything, anything to keep you out of harms way, I'd have done it. Even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness, my body, my sanity._

_So I understood. I understand._

_Whyever did you think I wouldn't?_

_You sat across the table, all nerves and quiet terror. Letting me digest this information._

_"Shit, Sou..." I said, my words choked by my constricting throat. "I don't... I can't..."_

_I watched you inhale deeply and sigh. Tired. Defeated._

_"Look, I understand if you don't want to, after hearing all this, and I know it's a selfish thing to ask before I ask, but..." you began, unsure of yourself. "Will you stay with me?" you asked, as we sat across the table, our hands joined. You were squeezing my fingers, afraid again I'd disappear. You always seemed afraid I'd disappear. I guess I know why now._

_But still, I wanted to laugh at your question, though I knew better than to do so. Stay with me?_

_Why ask that stupid question? You'd be better asking if the sky is blue. Is the sea wet? Does the sun rise in the east? You'd get the same answer._

_Idiot._

_But oh, you're my idiot. For better or worse, you're my idiot._

_And I'd have it no other way._

_Besides._

_I can't unlove you, anyway. And you can't unlove me. We may as well make a go of it._

_You braced yourself, tensing for the possibility I'll walk out. But you're my husband and I love you, so that didn't happen. Instead, I squeezed your fingers back. Sighed the way I did when I made you the promise the first time, when you got blind drunk and I had to drag your ass home. Only this time it counted for real._

_"Always." I said softly. Because I won't let him steal you from me. I won't let you do this to yourself._

_And for the first time, I watched your facade truly falter in front of me the strain of the last few decades taking its toll. Your jaw tensed and for the second time that night you looked like you wanted to cry. You looked like the effort of just keeping yourself together took everything you had._

_Quietly, I moved around the table, being very careful to keep a grip on your hand as I manoeuvred across to you. And I gently pulled you into my arms, into my warm body, letting you know you were_ not alone in this anymore.

_Because you are my husband and I love you._

_Your breath caught again, and you clung to me. And I held you in my arms, murmuring the word in your ear over and over for you. Your head over my shoulder._

_"Always, always, always."_

_"Why?" you asked me, voice cracking. Even sounding like you might fall to pieces. You didn't seem to believe it. Or me. Or both._

_"I love you." I answered. Because it was the only real reason I could give you. The only reason that really mattered._

_And I had to wonder, then: Do you see it now? Do you understand now? Will you finally see it'll be you and me til the end of the world?_

_Do you know that I'd die for you? That I'd kill for you? That I'd take bullets for you?_

_That I'll be by your side til the day I die?_

_You took a deep breath in and echoed the words back to me. "I love you." And I knew that you did._

 

 


End file.
